I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
