thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
