Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
