I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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