Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
