I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
