I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize