fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
