How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize