Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
