I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
