I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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