highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
