Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I would fuck him just for his dog
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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