I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
