peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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