my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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