Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
