You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
