i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
