She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
