No stitches, just platelets and will power
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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