im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
