Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just high enough for therapy.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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