My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just googled if crying burns calories
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
