I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
