I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
