This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
