mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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