Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize