"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
