I want to make a zoo with you.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
