dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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