I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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