Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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