If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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