It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
