My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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