Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
