when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I smell stomach acid.
Barsexuality is the new black.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
