hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
