Whatcha textin bout Willis?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
