8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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