just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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