Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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