I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
A bitchslap is in order.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
