After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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