If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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