why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
