I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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