I look better un-naked...
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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