maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Semen is not good for contacts.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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