Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
