someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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