In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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