I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
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