I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
