Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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