Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
